Offering, a collection of donations during religious worship, see alms, tithe or charity
Offering, a religious sacrifice of plant, animal or human life
Offering (Buddhism), a part of devotional practice

Worship. Sacrifice. Devotion.

I am healing three new piercings – piercings in very sensitive areas of my body.   Needles through flesh.  Offering up pain and blood to the universe as devotion to doing the work I need to do to get healthy.  Not just my body.   But my mind.  My spirit.  My heart.   Signaling to the ghosts with whom I wrestle that I am willing to give flesh to drive them away – once and for all.

I have spent much of my life in a bizarre dance on the wire between being a corporal being and something else of which I am not sure.  It was only at the age of 25 that I truly felt that I was rooted in this plane.  In recent years, I have felt that I have become un-tethered.  Outside of the realities of my work, which I love, I’ve spent too much time in a dream world – a world in which my lover was present, open and affectionate, and we had loving and open conversations about our future .  Conversations in which I felt confident. Rather than the wishing and hoping that was reality.  The reality that our relationship was not working… for either of us.

In the past few months, it has been hard for me to tell if it is 2007 or 2011.  The echoes of my affectionless and short marriage kept me awake at night.  The same desire to be my better self – patient, loving, kind, understanding, steadfast presence – while still owning and stating the truth of what I needed from the relationship.  The exposure and vulnerability of admitting need and the accompanying insecurity rocked me and ultimately left me ill equipped to really be those things.

In 2007, I’d been in a relationship in which I could not be intimate because of the lack of affection and connection.  Yet I was steadfast and determined to be a good wife. Adamant that I WAS a wife. Rather than whatever it was she saw me as that was so apparently easily cast away.

I spent 2011 longing for the touch, affection and presence of my lover – a vibrant, beautiful, brilliant woman who both enthralled and enraged me. Who in one moment was all that I ‘d ever wanted and in the next, the embodiment of everything I know I should avoid. I’d spent much of the relationship confused about most things except for my love for her.

One of the piercings had originally been planned as a gift to her – and for me, of course.  Our break-up a couple of weeks before the piercing appointment made me reconsider having the piercings done.

I decided to go ahead with them as a way of marking the way forward for me, as a way of grounding me in my body and a reminder of the willing sacrifice inherent in giving of self to another.  Taking care of new piercing helps me focus on healing my non-corporal self through caring for the piercings.

Each piercing marked the letting go of something: one  – releasing the fear of being vulnerable.  Another: releasing the shame and hurt of my failed marriage. The last: releasing the pain and hurt from my most recent breakup. Coincidently, the last piercing hurt the most.

Healing Heart (borrowed)

As fate would have it, the woman who pierced me, Elayne Angel, also pierced Lenny Kravitz who co-wrote the song Mean Sleep with Cree Summer.

As I wake from this mean sleep, the pins and needles inherent in piercing drive the ghosts back into their GrayWorld – a world in which I am determined to live no longer.

So….

Universe, Elementals, Spiritual Light Beings, Ancestors, Gods and Goddesses – although you do not demand it, I offer up these tender bits of flesh as a sign of my dedication to being a Being of Love and Light.  As my body heals, may my spirit, heart and mind also be healed.

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