Tag Archive: depression


Message

Today was a hard day.

You know the kind of day when you feel like your entire being is that thin layer of shiny, tender skin that’s left when a scab is ripped off a wound before it’s really healed?

Yeah. I feel like that.

Thank Heaven for music!

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Acknowledgment

~What can we scrape together
With just the flesh as evidence
Handfuls of hate and the bittersweet ambivalence
’cause I am pushing cobwebs and I’m folding into myself
Who will find me under this mean sleep ~

Cree Summer

I started 2011 feeling like shit.  Exhausted. Anxious.  Lonely (even though I was in a relationship). But I was determined that I would get healthy.  My doctor first diagnosed me with a Vitamin D deficiency which explained the fatigue but when the regimen of a megadose of Vitamin D failed to have lasting effect we started looking at another big “D” -depression.

Dealing with depression is an interesting process. I was hesitant to look at the fact that I was suffering from depression, even though I had decided in the Fall of 2010 (when the very bad symptoms started manifesting) that I would ask my doctor for an anti-depressive prescription if I wasn’t feeling better by January 2011.  I wanted to believe that the issues I was having were merely physical and could be dealt with by taking vitamins, eating better, sleeping more.  By May, and after several rounds of tests to check for other health issues, it was clear that no vitamin was going to fix what was ailing me.  When I looked back on my symptoms – lack of interest in usual activities, fatigue, insomnia, spending a lot of time alone – I realized that I likely was depressed and had been for YEARS!  A friend asked me if I really thought I was depressed and I told her yes, I had just gotten used to functioning from a place well-below par.  That in and of itself is depressing.

When the doctor asked me if I wanted to try antidepressants, I said YES and suggested we try Wellbutrin since I also wanted to quit smoking.  I started my first dose of Bupropion 150mg Memorial Day weekend.  By July 4th, I was up to 300mg daily and had quit smoking.  I was on the road to health and NOTHING was going to stop me.

As the fog started to lift and my energy and concentration improved, I realized how foggy things had been for too long.  It was wonderful to begin to see color again after being immersed in gray.  Granted there were many different shades of gray… but it was gray nonetheless.  Getting to this place of relative clarity, contending with how long I had lived in the GrayWorld, and taking the steps to get and stay healthy has been wonderful.

This blog is about my journey to full health.  In fact, it is very much a part of the process.  Getting to this point has been like waking from a mean sleep  – all pins and needles like blood rushing back into a limb that has gone to sleep.  It’s a painful process but necessary.

I don’t know if anyone will read this.  I only know that I have to write it.  And I have to be honest.  I’m not sure how this is going to turn out.  But the best adventures are those that are unplanned.

Adelante!

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